Today is the Transgender Day of Remembrance.

I got a lot out of queenemily's post over at QT, which explores the fine line between witnessing and appropriation of others' pain.

HALP

So this is how it is.

I was considering taking a position as a research scientist at a nearby biopharmaceutical company. Full-time, permanent, benefits. Really nice people. They want me to get back to them soon, though. Like tomorrow soon.

So I talked to my PI today about whether or not she has any use for me this spring. Apparently there is plenty of work to do. And she wants to get me promoted to full-time technician, which will mean a raise and insurance and all that jazz. This was awesome to hear, because at this point I am hovering extremely close to a possible Important Publication. If I choose to stay on in spring, I will also continue assisting collaborators with preparation of samples required for their fancy magic...rituals...or whatever.

So I'm feeling good walking out of that meeting, right? I go to buy myself a sandwich, and Dude From Some National Laboratory decides to give me a ring. It appears Operation Dream Internship is a go.

Well, then.

OK BUT

This PI is a materials chemist engineer-y dude...he does cool stuff, and I'm all bout his work, but I'm not sure how related it is to my primary area of interest. And the timing is kind of off, because this would be a couple-month thing starting in spring.

See, I am so close-- SO CLOSE-- to getting myself into position for a pub on this thing I'm doing now. My current project has been picked up and set aside repeatedly by 500000000 people before me. It's been stalled a bazillion times because no one person has stayed with it long enough to get to the point we're at right now*. My PI says I've got this shit on the run. ;) Basically the project is no longer a weird little side thing; if I leave, someone else will take it up because it has become important. And if that happens, there is no way I will get first author on this deal. Plus I'll be missing out on a crucial part of the project which I can't explain, but just trust that it would really suck. Because I'd be learning a lot if I stayed. :(

So I should be rational and stick around.

But a little part of me keeps screaming POLYMER SCIENCEEEEEEE

And I need to figure this all out by the end of tomorrow because getting me clearance to work at this facility is going to take a little while.

Oh yeah, and grad school applications? Collecting cobwebs...somewhere.

There is a metric fuckton of shit on my mind right now.

Someone suggested I may want to stay here and try to turn my project into a master's thesis. My brain exploded.

*I maintain a monkey could do what I've done, and that it was just a matter of time before someone tried this, but whatevs

My future's backlit.

No one would talk much in society if they knew how often they misunderstood others. - J. W. Goethe

A feminist activist and fellow alumna passed away unexpectedly yesterday. I wasn't fortunate enough to know her personally, but some of my connections thought very highly of her. People who care that much and work that hard are extremely rare. Errin's latest project was an Atlanta-area fundraiser dance-off for the benefit of Eating Disorders Information Network. Please think about supporting this event and/or EDIN, an organization which aims to serve people from all types of backgrounds. Rest in peace, beautiful.

So yesterday. Got into work in the afternoon, presented a little something at one of my group meetings, then resumed preparing samples for a collaborating group. I crashed on an air mattress in someone's dorm room so I could head right back across the street to run an assay and frantically dilute things a few hours later. Mission accomplished. \m/

Something about ThinkGeek irks me. This whole I DERIVE THE ENTIRETY OF MY SELF-ESTEEM FROM SILLY KNICKNACKS AND INACCURATE REPRESENTATIONS OF SCIENTIFIC MODELS just irritates me. And yet, I really want a free tryptophan t-shirt ("with any $25 purchase"). I think it's safe to say these items would increase my quality of life 1000X. :) Hmm, maybe I'll get something nice for one of my labmates who just did me a whole bunch of random favours this week.

This week I learned confirmed that I suck at people. One of my biggest flaws is resentment. I don't say what I want to say when I want to say it. I try to let things slide, and then suddenly one day I just can't anymore and everything comes out wrong. I've been trained to keep my mouth shut and avoid disagreement. Yet it's not in my nature to keep quiet about (what I see as) issues of morality and justice. So I try to do it, it doesn't work, shit piles up, and I finally go into firebreathing mode and burn the entire village to a crisp. This is less of a problem with people I've known a long time, because I know they can handle my RAHHHHHHH. I'm like a paladin or something. Minus the Lawful Good alignment. FUCK THE POLICE

Moral of the story: I need sleep. Bad. Instead I'm listening to dance music and wishing I had somewhere to go tonight, because the new top I ordered just came in and OMG.

Today (yesterday? I'm talkin bout Monday) should have sucked. It did not. I'm kind of floored.

Let's see, I can't walk properly right now because I over-exerted myself working out the other night. It started out this morning as a kind of acidic, over-fatigued feeling in my calves and stabilizing muscles and has now transformed into a disturbing soreness consuming my entire lower body. On the positive side-- this pain is distracting me from that in my biceps. :)

I also slept maybe 3 hours due to spending Sunday night writing an assignment for a certain family member (she has so much crap to do, it's insane! And I mean, what are loser older sisters for?).

And of course today was Protein Prep Day*, which is a lot less intimidating than it used to be, but still means lots of time on my feet, a bit of heavy lifting and requires an ability to keep my shitstraight with calculations, timing, dexterity, troubleshooting and so on. Let's just say I did not wake up feeling up to the task. BUT I got it done and managed to have fun doing so! :)

I took some pictures of my hair before leaving for work this morning. Sis helped me get the highlights to a more vivid purple colour; it's a little grapier now, but I'll be happier once I get the placement fixed. I am loving the freedom to wear my hair completely fucked up and messy! Put a bit of wax in it today and wore it fluffy...I've had about enough of the femme-flowy thing for now. Not sure why Blogger has to make photos all grainy and weird looking. :/


*This is what I get for setting a deadline for myself. Ugh.

Got my hair cut Friday. I donated about a foot and got 6-10 more inches lopped off. According to reputable sources, it's lookin kinda fly. I'm getting the purple fixed soon-- it's a little hidden at the moment.

I think I'd like to be a bard. They get to run around singing and telling stories for money, and it's okay to be slightly grungy and completely alone in life. And an asshole. I could get on this. I'm gonna need a lute for Christmas.

Just got up from a nap a while ago...it'd be nice to stop dreaming about everything in my life going to shit at the same time. Goddamn. My subconscious pulls everything I worry about during the day and morphs it into the fucking End Times*.

Feeling a little torn right now "professionally." I...need insurance. :( My interview went well. It's a good company. I don't know.

I think it's funny that I'm bonding with my ex-boy's ex-girl about life stuff. I'd forgotten we'd both dated him (her casually, me seriously) until the other day when I was trying to figure out how we met in the first place. She's pretty awesome. I can see why it didn't work out.

*Maybe I shouldn't joke about this, because I had a nightmare once about swimming in a sea of blood covered in floating skulls and limbs and shit. I. DON'T. KNOW.

Ew.

There's a display on the plaza outside the student building today. Some organization is trying to raise awareness of eating disorders by posting these pictures of scantily clad, conventionally attractive white women (no faces) along with personal statements written by women about their unhealthy relationships with food. All the photos are black and white. All the bodies look white (or light), which I find personally erasing.

It's disgusting to watch men stroll casually up to these pictures of faceless women in bikinis and walk away looking disappointed it wasn't a flyer for a party. I feel really disgusting right now. I want to cry and I hate straight men right now. :( I know I shouldn't. It's hard to keep loving people when they don't care about you, when you're just a woman, just a body, just a walking candy bar.

UPDATE: My sister was filmed calling the display "exploitative." GO SISTER!

It really. Needs to be the weekend.

I think I could do without people speaking like they fucking rule me or something. Dude. Haha DUDE. No one talks to me like that unless we're roleplaying. Hush, now. :)

So right now I'm reading The Weapon, which apparently began as one of those online indie things and made it to print later on. It's the first comic I've read in a long, long time (pretty decent, too-- check it out here). Now I want to go back and read Peter David's Supergirl*. I've been in love with his Linda Danvers since I randomly found issue #4 at a yard sale when I was 10. :)

In case you haven't read it already, Fray is excellently violent and features an asshole female PoC protagonist who walks around with a giant fucking axe. I may pick it up this weekend as a random self-present. Oh God am I about to give Joss Whedon money? Oh ew. :/ But I really liked it...

Trying to remember if Marvel character Aliyah Bishop had her own series. Anyone know? Please tell me she didn't just appear in Dreamers and Demons for no reason. I'll be very sad. :/

Meet my current desktop, courtesy of Dark Horse:

Awwwww yeahhhhhh.

I've noticed people seem to think that Other (=somewhat-more-like-me!) characters are just inherently unwriteable. I dunno about this. I mean...I can definitely see how we get tokenized and utterly done WRONG, to the point where you wish they'd just have stuck another generic angsty straight cis white guy in there so you could focus on the damn story. Mainstream writers get so involved in explaining or "authenticating" the character's non-majority identities (usually badly) that the plot gets lost somewhere. And if it's a fantasy or sci-fi type story (the kind I'm into)...then shit gets tedious.

I mean it's bad enough for a "majority" person, I suppose, to slog through that crap. But dude, from my point of view, these creators are basically telling me I'm tedious! MY existence, MY ways of knowing and seeing the world are so improbable and completely silly as to require explanation (apology?) to the audience. By my very nature, I am "PC," trite and predictably tokenfaced. Um, no. Clearly I am somehow making it through life without randomly doing yoga poses all over people, swooning into the arms of generic manchildren, and cracking stupid, untimely jokes about breaking my nails**. This shit can be done properly, okay?

I'm almost motivated enough to get back to writing my fantasy-novel-which-will-never-be-finished. *sigh* Missed NaNoWriMo by a long shot, but I'm really bad with schedules...

*cover of #01 is still my favourite SG image of all time!

**this is how I imagine a person like me would be covered in a conventional comic, anyway. I'd also have to invoke Shiva (or yell random Muslim blessings) during every action sequence. Oh man, I can see it now. I'd be a timid, homely and fobbish customer service representative by day, of course. We'd have to sprinkle in constant references to "curry" as well as Gandhi (I mean, I've got a book of quotations, but it's not like I'm just spitting the man's wisdom in line at the grocery store...although that would be kind of awesome). In order to properly trivialize the fact I am capable of falling in love with another woman, let's throw in some creepy Male Gaze-y sexual innuendo between Superhero-Me and a conventionally attractive villain-- bonus points if someone mentions the Kama Sutra. Oh, and lots of latex for no reason. I mean, I like latex (not as much as vegan leather...). But it doesn't breathe well, and I have a feeling Superhero-Me likes to bust into cartwheels while on patrol...or go to the park in the summertime and make balloon animals for the kids, etc. This is a long footnote. :) I've already given more thought today to what it'd be like to be a comic book character than I have to grad applications. Hmm.

Stuff I've been reading.

This morning I came across a really interesting article written by a former U.S. Marine. This Veteran's Day, I Reflect on Homelessness and Healthcare Reform:

Let us not be guilty of a patriotism that is admiration-by-proxy or compassionate in the abstract.

Can we say, today, to the veteran who has been made invisible by homelessness: I see you? Can we say to the returning soldier who, in agony, screams silently: I hear you? Can we say, not just to the soldiers who have fallen, but also to the ones who are still with us, ill and destitute: I will not forget you?

A guestblogger at Womanist Musings explains why it's pretty easy to write someone off when they suffer oppressions you'll never have to worry about. In other words, the luxury of ignoring someone, of not feeling their pain with them, is a mark of privilege. Sparky is even brave enough to use his own experience of privilege and oppression as examples. Awesome post!

Microchips from Shrinky Dinks? Hell yes. I want to be Dr. Khine when I grow up. Hat-tip to my friend Emily! :)

quadmoniker over at PostBourgie makes the point that racism and thoughtlessness do indeed go together most of the time. This bears repeating. Because clearly a few people are confused. Pointing out marginalizing treatment or language is not the same as accusing a person of dismembering and consuming human children. Just stop with this dramatic shit, please.

I almost cried when I read this post at A Radical Pro-Feminist:

It has been my contention for some time now that it is not "feminist failures" that have allowed white male supremacy to thrive and flourish, it is this: men will not call out other men, will not risk losing friendships or some pseudo male bravado, some socially obtained man-status; men will not risk losing privileges and entitlements to have the opportunity to do to women what some men do to women. Men, by and large, will not systematically challenge other men who speak and otherwise behave in sexist ways, including racist and anti-lesbian ways against women. What men DO, usually, is to defend other men IN THE NAME OF MANHOOD.

Emphasis mine! It's not enough for a man to say, "Gosh, that sucks for y'all" while he's actively benefiting from and perpetuating this system. Your words will ring hollow as long as they're not accompanied by action. So stop telling me how much my life sucks and help me out already.

Hey look Hollywood is whitewashing again! It appears a non-Asian actor is slated to play the part of Tommy Zhou in a film adapation of The Weapon, a series of comics about a martial artist and inventor of Chinese descent. The plot explores Tommy's reconciliation of Chinese and American identities, which makes this particular incident all the more ridiculous. I'm reading the comic here. :)

I really appreciated AngryBlackWoman's recent post about anti-appropriation, which is a tendency of some white writers/artists to throw their hands up and decide that if they can't represent PoC perfectly in their work, then fuckit they're not going to try at all. ABW contends this is one hell of a copout, and so do I. Basically you're saying that PoC need to do everything by themselves. It's the same kind of flawed thinking Radical Pro-Feminist points out in his post, really.

Much love. <3

"Heavy rain?" They weren't playin.

It's been nasty out alllll day. I did not want to come into work today. :( And now I don't want to leave, because what exactly would I be going home to? Blah.

My body has all the tone of a spongecake, so I'm working out again. I like to pretend my triceps make little velociraptor roaring sounds when I flex. Well. I imagine velociraptors sound like that, anyway.

I've got a hair appointment AND a job interview on Friday the 13th. Um.

There's going to be a discussion on our campus this week. "The Role of Queer White People in Ending Racism: Who Better to Do It?" Yes, it's actually called that. And the organization hosting this is supposed to be an LGBT faculty/staff/allies type group. I have no words.

Wait, yes I do. How come even when we talk about racism, we have to skip right to the part about white people getting to feel great about themselves?

I'm just kinda mad lately, I guess. I feel like I have to explain my whole life to people in order for them to hear me out and accept that I have a valid right to my own point of view. It just really sucks to rip myself open so a stranger who has never felt this pain can stop and say, "Oh, okay then. But you still didn't have to be so meeeeean about it." Hey, um, maybe I'm snappy sometimes because YOU set the tone wrong. Because I've been explaining myself for so long and gotten so little in return. Sometimes it's hard to treat every last white person like a fucking delicate little flower when my right to my own feelings is some kind of intellectual debate y'all get to have between yourselves WHILE I AM STILL IN THE FUCKING ROOM.

I don't understand why people want to argue with me about my own emotions. If someone feels a certain way, you can't forcibly take that away from them. And why would you want to? Because I made you uncomfortable (= welcome to my life)?

I'm so tired. Today was kinda blah. And I'm considering spending all night in lab because it's not like I have anything else going on in my life right now. Fuck where's my black lipstick. I need to offset the hoodie I'm wearing today, which is covered in rainbows, clouds and butterflies and sometimes makes me happy when I look at it. NOOOO MUST STAY GRUMPY

Finally, the weekend...

I just found out that Warren DeLano, the developer of PyMOL, passed away earlier this week. From his memorial website:

Throughout his life and career, Warren made fundamental and highly valued contributions to science. His Open Source PyMOL software is widely used throughout the world, and nearly all publications that display macromolecular structures use PyMOL. He was a strong advocate of freely available software and the Open Source movement. He also encouraged all who came into his lab or office. His sunny, optimisitic outlook endeared him to all he knew; his brilliance awed and inspired many throughout the scientific and software worlds.

May he rest in peace. (via p212121)

I totally used PyMOL this week for my presentation. It is awesome.

Angry Asian Man has written about a new documentary about the life of Richard Aoki, a Japanese-American activist and one of the founders of the Black Panther Party. Mr. Aoki even donated the Party its first two firearms. The film will be premiering in Oakland, CA on the 12th of this month.

I may be attending a stroll competition tomorrow night. A portion of the proceeds are going to Keep a Child Alive, an organization that provides anti-retroviral treatments to low-income HIV/AIDS sufferers in 6 countries.

The grad school hunt is leaving me cold. But I must press on.

*grips walking stick and adjusts robes to fend off the sandstorm of SUCK*

This has been a very stressful week for me. But my friends have just been so goshdarned sweet that I really can't complain much. I also have the best readers ever! I'm so grateful for everyone's kind words, thoughts, and hugs. :) Also thankful to my sister for tucking some crackers and a granola bar into my bookbag on Thursday morning so I wouldn't have to present on a completely empty stomach. <333

People who tokenize themselves-- really?

Something really weird happened this week. A white person worded something badly* (okay, that's the not-so-weird part), and I told them how their words made me feel. Cue Knight in Coloured Armour to let me know that she doesn't have a problem with what was said, and sheeeee's a person of colour. Because that's supposed to mean shit to me. Oh yeah, in case you didn't know, one PoC can cancel another out. Especially if they're siding with a white person (who then gets to decide which of us wins is being reasonable, of course). Expressing my feelings-- "you said this, and it made me feel this" now counts as curtailing a person's right to free thought. That's not silencing. Not at all.

...the hell? And of course the white person did everything but apologize or tell their friend to kindly shut the fuck up (both of which I am all too happy to do, as my favourite people know :D ). I cut ties with everyone involved, because I prefer to act where I can actually do some good. And there are plenty of places I can do that. Ugh.

I'm not going to mention anyone's organizational affiliation, but that made y'all look BAD. :( Damn. DAAAAMMMMMNNNN.

*it was a turn of phrase that um...might rub some people the wrong way.

get on the floor

So uh, my GRE score. I guess it's decent considering I spent the entire weekend in an alcoholic haze and then got a grand total of 2 hours sleep last night. If I can manage another 40 or 50 points next month, I'll be satisfied. As things stand, I'm considering adding a special note for admissions committees: "Applicant does not actually suck at counting and recognizing basic shapes-- promise. And she really does drop phrases like 'conventional hegemonical ideal' into everyday speech." Maybe I'll ask one of my refs to tuck that comment in a letter. :D

A good friend of mine recently acquainted me with this interactive demonstration of cell size in relation to more tangibly massive objects. How. Cool!

Most DJs around these parts are kinda eh. Imagine my surprise the other night when I actually felt compelled to ask who was spinning...Sorted is the shit, y'all. This sounds like the set he played for us at the Hallowe'en Sin Ball this weekend. You may want to use something like Audacity to break it up into separate mp3s fo yo personal devices. I did some digging, and he's also got some more stuff up for download at PL; seasons change is kinda chill. I'd definitely play it around the house while cooking (or pretending-to-clean-but-ending-up-organizing-my-textbooks-by-discipline). Percussion Lab is my new addiction. And oh look it's the brainchild of a brown dude. Rock.

Plan for tonight: freak out over a presentation I have done absolutely zero work on. :) Annnnnd Openoffice is made of fail, in case we forgot. ARGH.

Tomorrow night I'm either going to a film screening (Last Chance for Eden FTW!!! What a wonderful documentary) or celebrating el Dia de los Muertos on campus along with our Hispanic Student Association and Students for Latin@ Empowerment. Thursday is some party thing hosted by one of the Latino frats? I don't know what's going on, but I'm going to need some fun after my lab presentation that afternoon...

And oops, accidentally volunteered to present to my OTHER group next week. Dammit.

Perhaps interviewing for a job soon. Wish me luck.

After this week's craziness has subsided, I'm getting started on a new prep to send off to the Side Project people, and preparing some samples for a remote data collection later this month. My PI has already bragged about my work to a collaborating group, because I'm not under enough stress yet. :)

Oh yeah, and maybe one day some of these professors will reply to my plaintive e-mails about possibly pursuing graduate studies with them. You know, when they're finished savouring chilled grapes on their silk-cushioned palanquins. >:O I'm already emotionally attached to your research, guys...don't leave me hangin.

My passport photo is making me want shortish, punky hair again. Hmm. It's kind of creeping me out that I look exactly like I did when I was 19. Anyway, I have a crazy idea. It's gonna be rad. :)

I'm curious-- do y'all have a specific type of music you like to listen to while studying/working on a big project?

They said it better...

We cannot tell the exact moment a friendship is formed; as in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses, there is at last one that makes the heart run over. - Unknown

Always set high value on spontaneous kindness. He whose inclination prompts him to cultivate your friendship of his own accord will love you more than one whom you have been at pains to attach to you. - Samuel Johnson

And the servants of (Allah) Most Gracious are those who walk on the earth in humility, and when the ignorant address them, they (reply), "Peace!" - the Holy Qur'an [25:63]

It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship. - Henry Beecher Ward

Sisters are different. They heard the sobbing in the darkness.
They lived through all your triumphs, all your favorites,
all your loves and losses.
They have no delusions. They lived with you too long.
And so, when you achieve some victory, friends are delighted--
but sisters hold your hands in silence and shine with happiness.
For they know the cost. - Pam Brown

Hope everyone had a rad Hallowe'en...

Tonight/-morning(?) pretty much rocked.

US HIV travel ban to be lifted. :)

Excerpt from President Obama's remarks:

Twenty-two years ago, in a decision rooted in fear rather than fact, the United States instituted a travel ban on entry into the country for people living with HIV/AIDS. Now, we talk about reducing the stigma of this disease -- yet we've treated a visitor living with it as a threat. We lead the world when it comes to helping stem the AIDS pandemic -- yet we are one of only a dozen countries that still bar people from HIV from entering our own country.

If we want to be the global leader in combating HIV/AIDS, we need to act like it. And that's why, on Monday my administration will publish a final rule that eliminates the travel ban effective just after the New Year. Congress and President Bush began this process last year, and they ought to be commended for it. We are finishing the job. It's a step that will encourage people to get tested and get treatment, it's a step that will keep families together, and it's a step that will save lives.

Murgh.

I and other grant-funded workers are being ordered to stay off campus along with the state-salaried staff for tomorrow's furlough day. As a show of solidarity or something. Because that made sense to someone, somewhere, at some point.

Yeah hi MESSING WITH MY SCHEDULE

I may be taking on a sort of side project soon. Excitinggg.

Also considering what I want to do this spring. My options are truly depressing. Goodbye, Soul.

Feeling slightly like shit lately. Fuck this psychosomatic bull. I am so unbalanced right now. And maybe I should stop downplaying myself and joking about this shit. I hate when I do that...it's just to make people feel more comfortable with me. Well fuck. I'm not comfortable with MYSELF right now; y'all don't get to be either.

I'm not used to needing people like I have been lately, and it is fucking with me. But I am aware that my powers of self-perception are not operating normally. So I need to rely on others right now. This is normal. This what friends are for. This is what I do for my friends without a second thought. And yet, I'd like nothing more than to become a self-sufficient, self-contained ScienceGolem who doesn't need friends or love or anything that depends on unpredictable, external and frequently underwhelming human stimuli.

I have papers to read, experiments to plan, and a presentation to poof into existence. :( Night.

Venty.

I'm pretty selective about where I place my trust. Once I decide I like you, I become a complete puppy dog and will never leave you alone ever because I want you happyfaced and how can I make that happen today? *wags tail*

I don't appreciate people who worm their way into my Happy Funtimes Friendland just to spew some horseshit and then act all offended that I got offended that they were an asshole to me. What is this shit, and in what world is it normal to try to wait out someone's feelings of invalidation or pain?

The point of being someone's friend is to enrich, support, and grow with another person as you move through life...telepathy is not generally part of the package. So yes, sometimes someone will say the Omgz Wrong Thing. And while the world won't end, what really counts is owning what you say and the effect it may have on someone else. Even if you didn't mean it like that and you really don't get why this is so important blah blah blah not the point buddy.

The people who love me only tolerate my stupidity because I don't believe it takes anything away from me to say "I'm sorry" and mean it. That doesn't make me weak. It doesn't mean I can never be right about anything ever again. It doesn't mean anything other than hey I fucked up this once.

It sucks when you've been pretty close to someone for several years only to find out how little it takes for them to run far farrrr away. I mean, really? That was all? I...guess I'm glad I'm finding this out now.

People fucking LOVE my ass until I say some actual shit. Then it's "FUCK Samia has an opinion again" and everyone dons their crosstrainers. I would handle this better if folks didn't constantly lie to me about how much they caaaaare about our friendship. If you don't give a shit, please don't pretend you do. That's just...well, it's fucking weird.

I'm intense; I mean everything I say and some people can't handle it. Fine. So go live your fucking watered-down, timid, bitch-ass little lives. I'll deal, promise. Just don't pretend, please, because then I start holding you to actual standards and become disappointed when you fail miserably. And repeatedly.

I pretty much hate everyone right now. Fuck.

yes hello i kill you now

I recently attended a costume party as a mad scientist who attained immortality via the brutal sacrifice of ten undergraduates (she offed the rest of the class just for the hell of it):

Oh, HELL yes.

I was going to be all mopey today about grad school applications, poverty and abject loneliness, but then my experiments interfered.

No one's ever done this. 'Cept me. And it's funny because yesterday someone had made me feel a little foolish for trying out this particular course of investigation (which was actually rather painstaking to plan and carry out). It wasn't intentional, of course. But I still left the conversation feeling like, "Wow, I've been wasting my fuckin time."

And yet, I totally did the lab dance today. So did one of my PIs. :D

I believe the phrase I'm searching for is

TADOW! HOW DO YA LIKE ME NOW?!

I actually told someone I don't feel like I've worked hard enough for these results. Because I'm turning into my dad. Fuck.

Excuse me while I go get shitfaced.

I've actually done nothing this week.

PI decided I must have "beady" eyes because I'm constantly adjusting the oculars on our microscope after other people finish with it. I told him it's not my fault the eyepieces are set for a freaking horse. He giggled at me and called himself horse eyes. That...could have gone badly. I need more sleep. :(

Met with my old undergrad advisor this morning. Turns out the current head of Biochem at one of my prospective grad schools used to be part of our own dept. He knows Advisor well, as they were hired on at the same time. Now for the name-dropping.

Today I learned I can see rainbows that aren't visible to anyone else. Not sure how to feel about this.

Also: I've decided that Ancestral Gene Resurrection is an awesome name for a band.

Meeting tiem nao.

Stream-of-consciousness whining.

I am doing exactly what I've vowed never to do, which is put all my eggs in one basket and pray like fuck.

I can count on employment all through fall; in the spring I'm going to be screwed if this internship doesn't come through (which, in all honesty, I probably should not count on). Sooo I guess I'll be uh workin' up at the mall or sumpin for a few months? Who knows. I'm meeting with my old advisor this week; maybe my connections will pay off for me.

*wipes tears of laughter from eyes* Ahhh I needed that. :)

Started grad apps in earnest. I have an actual top choice now, which is good in terms of helping me focus...but bad in that if I don't get in, I will stab the shit out of our couch.

My health sucks. I have NO energy. NONE. I can barely get out of bed most days. Non-student staff can't receive any services at the uni health center and I'm being lazy about finding local people to check out my shit. I'm not working full-time so money is always tight and I've been holding off, but I'm at a point where this is affecting my productivity. I think my psych last year called it "major depression." Oh God that sounds wussy. Like something lifting a lot of weights should fix.

On a frivolous note, I had been all excited about getting my hurr done when I realized that showing up to grad interviews (Feb/March) with lilac highlights probably isn't the best thing I could do for myself. In all fairness, I have perfected the art of cancelling out my hair; my internship with EPA involved a lot of proper sweaters/trousers paired with a very very natural face, so no one really said much about 50% of my hair being blue-green. Still, "different-looking" is probably a no (well, until that first day of class :D ). I already look like shit on paper, why screw up an interview unnecessarily.

Hair is easy to avoid fucking up, though-- one of my pharm friends is having to buy new clothes to cover chest tattoos. At least I haven't got that problem, though I am thinking about getting inked before I leave this town. I've been wanting my sister's name in Klingon script for the longest time...filled in with pink and purple, of course. :) It'll make me feel lots better about having to be away from her for grad school.

So most intelligent people in my area acknowledge that my school sucks at paying a decent wage. I bitch a lot about my own situation, but I'm not responsible for feeding and clothing a family-- as so many others are. Our campus living wage activists are throwing a fundraising party tonight. Breakdancing, some too-cool-for-school DJ...dance-offs. Awwww yeahhhh. If you're local, please come out and support these guys and gals. We'll be getting things started around 9PM at the venue previously known as Blur. But you know, it's not the "gay place" anymore. I swear I would not be giving those fuckwits my business if LW weren't such an awesome org.

I have a feeling I'm about to be the only single person at this healthy relationships workshop I'm headed to (dude told us the wrong time last week! wtf). I mean it's good to know how to listen and be a decent partner in general, right? Fuck it, I'll just be the loser in the room.

Quoteration.

Penetrating so many secrets, we cease to believe in the unknowable. But there it sits nevertheless, calmly licking its chops. --H. L. Mencken

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
-- Dr. Seuss

Everybody's friend is true to none. --anon.

To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field than their own hearts in their closet. --Charles Caleb Colton

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. --Erma Bombeck

A hero is one who knows how to hang on just one minute longer. --Norwegian proverb

Oh, that Einstein, always skipping lectures...I certainly never would have thought he could do it. --Hermann Minkowski

Randoms.

So I realized something while dancing on some guy's crotch last night, which is that most people bore me immensely. I mean, I like them, but I'm only really attached to a handful of folks in my life. Really, really attached. Perhaps too much so.

Samia = I'VE JUST GOT SO MANY FEELINGS

Also, it's really not polite to pop a boner on a chick's thigh.

For those who don't know, I work out of a lab in pharm/biomed but am actually employed by a microbiologist in another building. This arrangement necessitates a bit of shuffling to keep all parties apprised of what's going on. Every time Micro PI comes by to the pharmacy school check up on me, I freak out. I mean, fully expect to get fired at any second. And every time, she ends up telling me I'm doing extremely well and these are the best results she's ever seen and can't wait to hear back from you after these next few experiments.

Issues. I've got 'em.

Got myself invited to a kegger tomorrow night. I don't even think I waited for the guy to leave before turning to my girlfriend and starting with the dudebrah impressions. I really like impressions. :)

Whatever an apple festival is, I will be attending one tomorrow afternoon. Bluegrass music? I'm a little fearful...may not make it back, guys. I am quite fond of apples, though, as well the lovely couple who invited me. :D THIRD WHEEL STATUS IN FULL EFFECT

Yep.

Morehouse. Oh, Morehouse. And ooooooh white queer activists who only give a shit about people of colour when we 1) die tragically or 2) do something Wrong. Ain't no condemnation like angry white people condemnation hahaha I'm a biiiitch. Anyway, I really love this blog! Very grateful to my friend Mia for pointing me to it. :)))

Sig Sig Rho's throwing a thing downtown tonight for the benefit of our sexual assault/domestic violence shelter, and the shots/cover are cheap so I'm there. I'm not sure why I'm actually trying to look cute, though.

I like how the LGBT Resource Center's gender panel is taking place at the same time as the Muslim Student Association's talk tonight about stereotypes surrounding women in Islam. More specifically, I like this general trend of the Resource Center not reaching out at all to campus communities of colour and then complaining about us not showing up to shit. We're just automatically supposed to feel welcome, even though some of us have reason to be very distrustful. Nice! You're so concerned about us queers of colour feeling safe and included? How about checking our organizations' schedules before you set up your stuff, coming to OUR events, trying to co-sponsor shit, generally getting out there and shaking hands, meeting people, asking how they're doing, giving out cards, staying in FUCKING TOUCH with people? THAT is how you get people to show up to shit. Oh, and maybe try not to accidentally dismiss queers of colour when they come to you complaining about on-campus incidents of racism. Might try that too. You want a safe space for us? You gotta make it safe first!

FUCK I get angry about this. :) I mentally juxtapose "White" in front of LGBT anything lately. Even the bi pride thing a while back was awkward for me. Yes hello I'm brown with long hair and sparkly lipgloss I PROMISE I AM ONE OF YOU. Blarg.

I need to find some gay brown people in this town. Where are you, my lovelies? *universal queer birdcall*

I think I'm done with the term "women in Islam" by the way, mostly because I think we can all agree that its corollary, "men in Islam," just sounds stupid. How about just saying MUSLIM WOMEN. Gotta love subtle sexist language. But I'm really interested in hearing Slma Shelbayah speak, and there'll be donuts. :D

It happened.

My description of last week's results at group meeting caused someone's eyes to glaze over. I'M A SCIENTIST Y'ALL! It's the little things...

The domestic violence seminar last night was interesting, though slightly triggering. I do wish more men had chosen to attend. Members of the audience were asked to write questions on slips of paper and stuff them into a box we passed around the room. Our panelists answered and expounded upon these quite eloquently. The event was co-sponsored by the sisters of Sigma Sigma Rho, a South Asian-interest sorority whose national philanthropy is raising domestic violence awareness, as well as the ladies of Delta Phi Lambda, an Asian-interest sorority. So many nice people. :)

Afterwards, Sis and I had dinner with the Executive Director of Raksha, Inc. and her nephew, both of whom are completely awesome. People seem to find it funny/cute that I always congratulate my sister after every event she organizes and tell her I'm proud of her and *BIG HUG TIME!* All in all, last night was a lot of fun, and I'm now thinking of ways to be a better friend as well as considering dealing with some of my own baggage. With any luck, I'll be inviting Ms. B back to hold a workshop on building the skillset necessary to become a supportive peer/victims' advocate, especially within the context of campus life. Skills like active listening and gentle emotional support can make a big difference to victims of trauma.

The director of our campus Office for Violence Prevention is doing a workshop tonight on building healthy relationships. He's pretty rad, so I think I'll drop by.

Man, there are so many cool people out there doing such awesome work. :) I'm not sure I would make the greatest victims' advocate...my tendency is to cry all over everything and smother people with hugs. Yeah no.